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Ben Trovato

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Archive for the ‘Twitter’ Category

An open letter to Gareth Cliff, DJ to the Stars

Dear Gareth,

Let me just say that you are my favourite DJ. You and that clever American chap, Rush Limbaugh. Except I have to listen to him on the interweb whereas I can listen to you on the radio. Well, I would if I had one. I don’t see the point of it, quite frankly. Radio is television for the blind.

I wanted to congratulate you on finagling a free lunch out of the ANC, but when I tried to call you the other day to say how much I enjoyed the foam-flecked vituperation you dumped on the burnished cranium of our leader, someone on the switchboard said you had gone out for a duck. At first I thought I had got through to the Harare Sports Club and that someone was confusing you with Prosper Utseya, but that made no sense because, even though you are both professional spin meisters, he is black and you’re white. Then I read your message on Twatter: “I had a great lunch with presidential spokesperson Zizi Kodwa, in his personal capacity, today. I had the duck, he had the fish.”

I was suprised that Zuma himself was not there. It’s not like him to turn down a free scoff. Then again, the prospect of having you knock your wine into your lap and start shouting about his “bastard children” might have swung the scales.

I think it was very brave of you to have blogged these heroic words: “We’ll take you down, either at the polls or – if it comes down to the wire – by revolution.”

This, I suspect, is what sparked the panic in the Union Buildings. Sources say the president called an emergency meeting with his top generals to discuss the imminent threat to national security but, after tense deliberations lasting deep into the night, the decision was taken to invite you to lunch.

It was a desperate gamble and they knew it. What if you refused and instead marched on parliament with 10 million other Idols fans, all chanting incomprehensible slogans and singly badly? Even worse, what if you never pitched for the lunch at all and left Zizi Kodwa sitting there on his own? That’s a slow, agonizing Sandton death I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

As it turned out, their stragegy worked. Seething with rage (while issuing discreet burplets bearing the faintest whiff of Canard à l’Orange), you told reporters that you completely understood Kodwa’s point of view and went on to slam the meeting in no uncertain terms. “Positive, constructive and amiable,” is the way you described it.

Gareth, I hate to be the one who says this, but I think your revolution just had a revolution. C’est la vie.

If Batista had invited Che Guevara for lunch instead of hunting him down, Cuba would be a very different country today.

See you at the barricades, compadre. Get a window table.

Ben Trovato

PS. I just love the highlights in your hair, but if the lunch offers dry up and you decide to go with the revolution thing, blonde probably isn’t the best colour. You will want to be taken seriously, n’ecst-ce pas?

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