Sunday Times Books LIVE Community Sign up

Login to Sunday Times Books LIVE

Forgotten password?

Forgotten your password?

Enter your username or email address and we'll send you reset instructions

Sunday Times Books LIVE

Ben Trovato

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Archive for the ‘Namibia’ Category

The genocidal Germans are coming! Get your stab-proof vests now

I gotta get me one of them stab-proof vests. And a pair of bulletproof pants. But I gotta get ‘em before them Visigoths and Vandals arrive.

You see, the Hun have been spreading the word that while us South Africans might have the World Cup this year, we also have poison-tipped assegais, short-handled stabbing spears, gigantic knobkerries, Zulu hunting dogs, the rinderpest and rabies-infested women trained to attack on command.

From the Reeperbahn to Ratzeburg, from Borgholzhausen to the Beerfest, sour krauts of all shapes and sizes are quivering in their Doc Martens. From the moment they touch down at OR Tambo International Airport, they fear it will be running gun battles all the way to their hotels and hand-to-hand combat to the stadiums.

Appeasement be damned. We have to be ready for them. Do not make the mistake of thinking they are here for the football. Look what happened in Namibia in 1904. A group of Germans came over on a package tour and ended up wiping out half the Herero and Nama populations. Something must have upset them – sand in the pampelmuse, probably – and we don’t want a repeat this time around. The first sign of genocidal tendencies and we have to be on them like cane rats on baby doves.

When Germany played Poland in 1939, everyone thought it was just another friendly, but it turned out to be a major international fixture that dragged on into injury time for an extra six years. While relatively many Germans have managed to make the distinction between football and the violent annexation of foreign territories, we cannot assume that these are the ones we will be getting.

In June 1998, after a Fifa World Cup match in France between Germany and Yugoslavia, a French policeman was beaten to the point of brain damage by German fans. Apparently you can tell when a French policeman is brain damaged. Then, in 2001, Markus Warnecke, the German fan who led the attack, was found guilty, jailed for five years, banned from France for 10 years and from all sports facilities for five years. Markus will be the guy you accidentally bump into at the bar and spill your beer over on the night that Germany loses to Spain.

German history is littered with examples of soccer violence. Things got so bad at one point that football administrators, or Fussballverwalter, as they prefer to be called, had to build a 140km wall across Berlin to keep the fans of West Prussia United from murdering the fans of Brandenburg City. Sadly, this interrupted a tense Iron Curtain-raiser 10 minutes before full time, and led to the cancellation of the main game between Stalin XI and an invitation side from Britain, America and France.

There are other examples. In March 2005, German football fans fought police and rival fans at a friendly against Slovenia, damaging cars and shops and shouting racist slogans. The same thing happened in Slovakia. Again with the racist slogans. If they turn racist against people of their own race, I cannot begin to imagine what they will make of our darkies.

Speaking ahead of the 2010 World Cup, a prominent German politician said: “As you well know, you are to fight against a cunning, bold, well-armed, cruel foe. When you are face-to-face with them, remember: mercy will not be shown, prisoners will not be taken.”

Okay, so that was Kaiser Wilhelm II addressing his troops on July 27 1900 before they left for China. Boxer Rebellion. Soccer World Cup. It all boils down to the same thing, really.

But it’s not just the Teutons who are intent on portraying us as a country of flesh-eating barbarians. Fifa general secretary Jerome Valcke says the English media are also warning fans not to set foot in South Africa because it is “a crazy country”. Well, of course it is. Along with our beaches, I see that as one of our strongest selling points. But to advise people to stay away because it’s a dangerous country? Please. It is already 10am and I haven’t heard a single gunshot.

Lots of pommies emigrate here and they seem quite happy. Of course they’re happy. The sun is always shining, they can buy a house for the price of a lobster thermidor at The Ritz, cheap slaves are a dime a dozen and our darkies are more agreeable than the packs of drug-crazed West Indians that roam Hyde Park and terrorise the ghettoes of Knightsbridge and Chelsea.

» read article