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Ben Trovato

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

An open letter to President Jacob Zuma, father of the nation, begetter of all begetters

Dear Comrade Leader:

Good God, sir! Do you have barracuda for sperm? Congratulations on the birth of your 20th child! You must be very excited to have someone as famous as Irvin Khoza as your father-in-law. Are you a Pirates supporter? Probably not. I see you more as a Kaizer Chiefs man. It might be best to avoid the subject of soccer when you get together for family occasions. But at least you can be sure of free tickets to the World Cup, you lucky fish.

Word on the street is that your father-in-law is less than pleased with the latest developments. Don’t lose any sleep over this. My outlaws also turned nasty when I impregnated their daughter. Give it time. He will get over it. If he doesn’t, you could always set Mo Shaik on him. A man with his kind of money must be hiding something. Anyway, he is younger than you and is culturally beholden to respect you at all times.

Can you believe the nasty reaction that this happy occasion has provoked? Patricia de Lille says you should be leading by example instead of paying lip service to yet another woman. How dare she! De Lille has never had her loins stirred by a 130kg Zulu warrior and has no idea of how impossible it is for any woman to resist your advances. In fact, I very much doubt that De Lille’s loins have ever been remotely interested in any man’s loins, Zulu or otherwise.

And as for that dreadful Zille virago banging on about sending the wrong message to the youth by having unprotected sex with a woman who isn’t your blah-blah-blah. She must be the only person in the country who doesn’t know that if a message isn’t on Facebook, Twitter or MXit, the youth ain’t gonna get it.

Did you see the Rev Whatshisface from the African Christian Democratic Party being interviewed on telly? Probably not. I expect you were too busy changing nappies, helping with the homework, reading bedtime stories and thinking up ways of balancing the trade deficit. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it. I have only one brat and if I didn’t keep sending him to the bottle store, I would have no time at all for myself.

But back to the reverend. He said you and Tiger Woods needed therapy for your predilection for rumpy-pumpy. That’s rich coming from a man who believes that anal sex guarantees you a spot in hell. The good reverend’s brain has clearly gone soft from spending too much time in the missionary position. With the same woman. On the same night. Of every year.

I must say I was disappointed to hear you had paid inhlawulo – described by the counter-revolutionary press as “damages” – simply because your 20th-born was spawned out of wedlock. It just doesn’t seem right. In my culture, contraception, like cooking, is the woman’s responsibility. When a white child is inadvertently conceived out of wedlock, instead of paying damages to the woman, the man is entitled to damage the woman’s reputation and then send her a lawyer’s letter saying: “The little bastard probably isn’t even mine.”

 

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