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Ben Trovato

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

Application to the City of Cape Town for the position of Chief: Metro Police

Dear Mayor Zille,

I see you have finally managed to get rid of Bongani Jonas. Well done. The man was a shameless liberal. Under his command, the city was going to the dogs. Literally. I recall the time when one of his men, upon witnessing a canine wilfully defecating on a Sea Point pavement, inflicted mere flesh wounds on the culprit’s owner. Under my command, both dog and owner would have been summarily executed.

When it comes to training, the need for discipline will be drilled into my officers. Here are just a few of the ways in which Cape Town residents will be disciplined once the job is mine.

# Littering — R50 000 spot fine or two broken limbs;

# Shouting — extraction of the tongue with standard issue pliers;

# Jaywalking — R100 000 spot fine plus removal of toes;

# Laughing in a public place — 150 lashes to the bottom.


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