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Ben Trovato

@ Sunday Times Books LIVE

How to beat the economic crisis

…as promised on Wednesday:

* If you are getting threatening calls from a debt collector, shoplift a crossbow from Cash Crusaders and arrange to meet the man who is harassing you.

Tell him you have the money at your house, then hide in the garden and, when you see him walking down the driveway, shoot him in the throat. You are allowed to do this because he is trespassing. He won’t come back and the debt will be written off.

* Draw up a groceries budget, bearing in mind that a single can of beer has the same nutritional value as a three-course meal. Solid food is expensive and frequently causes cancer.

* Consolidate your debt. Go through your house and retrieve all the final demands and lawyers’ letters that have accumulated over the years. Once they have been consolidated into a pile, take them outside and use them to start the braai. This saves on fire lighters.

* Keep a jar full of cash for rainy days. Keep another jar for sunny days.

* Borrow money from whoever will give it to you and hit the banks for credit cards. Remember to always provide a false address. By the time the sheriff tracks you down, the judiciary will consist of Julius Malema and a donkey.

* Ensure you’re on the right road to freeing yourself from debt permanently. If you live in Cape Town, it’s the N2 that goes to the international airport. In Durban you’ll need the M4, and in Johannesburg take the R24.

* Diversify your investments. Instead of spending it all at the casino, keep some for the horses, the dog fights and your neighbour’s pyramid scheme.

* Apply for a job:

Application to the African Comprehensive HIV/Aids Partnership (ACHAP) for the position of Male Circumcision Project Co-ordinator.

Dear Madam,

I AM sure you are a madam because women tend to gravitate towards jobs that involve causing harm to the willy. And who can blame you, given the trouble this fickle little fellow has caused over the ages?

As far as I can make out, your organisation is a partnership between the government of Botswana, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and the notorious American drug-runners, Merck & Co.

This is all well and good, but you are presumably aware of the rumours that Bill Gates is uncut. If your group has any sense of ethics, you will know that accepting money from an uncircumcised man is plainly wrong and downright immoral. Before I accept the position, please assure me that you have conducted research into the state of Mr Gates’s private parts and are satisfied that he is foreskin-free and your funds are untainted.

I share with your organisation a firm belief that uncircumcised men are responsible for causing Aids, civil wars, poverty, famine and a breakdown in family values. Once in charge of the project, I will expect to be given access to as many women of flexible moral fibre as I require. I suggest we begin by recruiting among the journalists.

These hussies will be tasked with debagging as many men as possible. The debagging need not necessarily be conducted in the privacy of a boudoir, but may be performed in public spaces such as shopping malls, rugby stadiums and beaches. A minimum of two independent visual confirmations of the presence of Satan’s sleeping bag will signal phase two of the operation, being the immediate dispatch of patrols responsible for capturing said genital offenders and transporting them to ACHAP HQ.


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